?

Log in

Repeat:

I will do well on my exams today, I will totally ace both of them, and for once writing an essay is NOT going to be hard at all, right? right......? 

Birthday/Ostara

Amazingly enough I had a wonderful birthday/long weekend.  Not only did my birthday fall on the same day as Christian Easter Sunday, I ended up getting a 3 day weekend on the same weekend as my birthday- BONUS!!! I celebrated Ostara on Thursday sort of, because the moon was going void of course around Friday. I did a casual Ostara ritual Thursday and did a prosperity spell.

This is my Ostara altar:

 

100_0398

This is a full shot of my altar, including the crap which resides under the altar. I really like the light green table cloth and the string of bells.

 100_0401

This is a close-up of the left side of my altar dedicated to the spring Goddess. I put rose petals and willow leaves and a pink candle on the Goddess side of the altar. Since it is Ostara I added a few bunnies and the pink faerie statue seemed spring like to me so I added it there.

100_0400 

This is a close - up of the right side of the altar dedicated to the God. I added the yellow candle to represent the Young God. The sprigs of oak and oak leaves are another representation of His power and strength. Oh and look! More bunnies!!!

 100_0399

The little tree in the middle symbolizes the Tree of Life. Yes, it came from the dollar store. Yes, it is a plastic tree. I still like it.

 

I didn`t really do all the things I thought I would do for Ostara, but I can honestly say I celebrated the time and reflected on the energy of the time. There seems to be great stirrings in the Earth right now.

 

Tara came over Sunday and celebrated my birthday with me. Rob gave me a lovely pot of Easter Lilies and a bouquet of flowers, and a Winnie the Pooh Chocolate Pooh! He also took my shopping to Telize for some new clothes. I also got 2 books and a cloth for my altar and an incense burner.

100_0405 

Aren`t the Lilies soooooooo pretty!!!???

100_0402

I'm so lucky! I got more flowers too!!!!

100_0407

Heeehee!!! Look it's Winnie!!!!!!!

 

Tara gave me a really soft stuffy of a dog with Easter Bunny Ears, some reallly yummy chocolate bubble bath and scented erasers. The chocolate bubble bath is soooo good.

100_0416

 

Last but certainly not least is a picture of myself on my birthday. I am proud to be me, and have made it to 24. I am proud to be me.

 

I had a good weekend, and I am very thankful to have Rob and Tara in my life.

unfinished poem

A lone wolf howls at the moon, feeling inside her a sense of belonging,

this moon is the Mother, the family, her world,

the moon is at her back, and beside her, at her feet,

protected, entrenched in spirit and light,

entrenched in the pull of the Earth.

Lone wolf, ears back, lips snarling,

She is part emptiness, part heavy fullness,

this balance sets her apart, this balance keeps her wondering,

about the realms unseen, the feeling between,

the cracks of dirt,

on her cave home floor.

The winds move the trees,

in an almost human dance,

So I had my Humanities test today, and I am pretty sure I will be lucky if I get a 60% and above. The thing was a nightmare. I can't believe they make every single student take that stupid course. Of course, it doesn't help that I didn't attend a lot of the stupid lectures, but that's beside the point. In computer class, Michael Lee came in and talked to us about co-op placements. I am going to of course try out for it, but I am worried about my one mark in Humanities. I don't want to have lower than a 70 % average at any point.

The pressure is on, and if all goes well I will be working as an accountant in no time at all. I am worried and a little scared of course. Scared of failing. No pressure or anything, but to really have a future in your program you have to have a 70% and above average. No pressure at all.

Maybe it is because of the pressure that I am doing so many drugs. Why I now three times have stolen Robs percadane because I like the way they make me feel numb. This numbness leads to concentration problems in class, and I go to school each day with weed over and sometimes perc over lately. I always want to get high. Its crazy sometimes. I am getting good marks, lowest would be around 70 or so, the rest all 80 and above. Good for a pothead. Certainly. I want to do better. But I can't help that I always want to feel nothing, dull away the fact that I am unhappy with some parts of my life.. I want to rise up out of who I am, become more, and become educated, a home owner, independent. I want to be more than who I am.

 

On another note, I have been neglecting a bit doing rituals and spell work and I will make an effort to do a ritual tonight. My altar looks even better now that I have beautiful pink rose petals from my flowers from valentine's day. I am looking forward to making my Ostara altar, the spring altars are always so pretty and Ostara is so close to my birthday! It is like a double birthday for me, and for me a very powerful time of year. I was born at a time when the astrological time of Pisces is ending, and the time of Aries is beginning, (March 23rd)  I notice these traits in me very strong, both Aries side, and Pisces side.  I am incredibly impatient, very arrogant, and aggressive, and often angry. This is my Aries side, but, on the plus side, I am very energetic at times and creative, and I think these are my good Aries traits. My pisces side is intuitive, emotional and introvertive, but also overly sensitive.

Today is Saturday Afternoon, the tap is dripping in the sink against the undone dishes and the window is open, blowing in a cool winter breeze. I feel pretty mellow today, pretty mellow and still, and peaceful, or maybe it is just because I am stoned on soft drugs. I don't know if my peace is real, or if it is a figment of chemicals. However, many things in my life right now are going well right now.

1.) So far, the results from the tests I have done in my first semester (second time around!) in the 3 year accounting program have been very good. All 70 percents. Not too bad at all. I am very proud of myself.

2.) I actually received the money from student loans in my account, I never thought it would happen and then it did. All because I applied online. I am so blessed to be getting an education.

3) I have been developing spiritually, finding my inner self and seeing that that self is a Witch, a Wiccan, a "stone in an ancient circle". I

Set me on Fire in the evening........

Jack-Skellington

 

Sometimes i get very angry for no reason, i just feel angry at everything and like I have no one to talk to. Sometimes I feel just aggravated, at everything, and at nothing. Today is one of those days. It could just be excess energy from the full moon, or something related to the lunar pattern in general but I don't know. I just know I get so full of anger sometimes, i guess it must be an Aries thing.

I feel like i can't relax. I keep fidgeting and thinking and worrying. I also have some unknown pain in my lower stomach. That isnt helping. Despite the pain, i still am of course chugging the coffee, and wondering still just how long i will be mortal for. Wondering just how long.

Tonight i am going to do a ritual, as it is the full moon. I have been in a way neglecting my Wiccan life since my new student life came into being. Sort of. I still pray every night before bed, and when i wake up i thank Isis for a new day, which is the best gift the Gods can give one.  And still when i walk, and see nature, and see the world of the Goddess and its beauty, I recognize that beauty, and the trees, and the grass, as something from the Goddess and a gift from Her. That pinecone over their is precious, because it came from the Lady. Just not too many people realize it. More precious than jewels or anything you could ever imagine, beauty in nature is something i still feel very childlike with. I see a beautifully spun spider web, and I wriggle inside to think, that is something from nature, made by no man, but by the Goddess.

The Goddess moves me, She is the hand of fate, she directs me to take this stair well, go here, put this down here, as we are directed by the Gods. She is the reason why I am sitting right here, the Goddess's will.

She answered my prayer to go back to school, she helped the OSAP money to arrive, 2 days or so after i did a complicated prosperity spell the money was there. I am blessed by Isis time and time again. She heals me, she protects me every night and I am so grateful.

I feel like I am on fire today. I feel like I am literally set ablaze with heat, and fire, and anger, and lust, lust I right now have no outlet for, this too is the Goddess's will. I will see why soon I think. Someone is on there way to me.

I do not know how people live such empty, meaningless lives, devoted to the almighty dollar. I do not know how they have the strength to go on in a world so cold, I do not know what people do without religion.  I would not want to live and not know where I was going when I died. Not at all.

I take strength in my individuality, I am not pretty nor beautiful but I "feed my head" , am feeding it every day more and more and this is what is important. That i can hold my own in an intelligent conversation and when it counts i can fend for myself.

I am my own motivation, no one isnt going to make my do my work. The superego must fight, fight to win over that nasty thanatos and eros, fighting for death and pleasure.

 

-Lily

"Waking up strong in the morning, walking in a straight line, set me on fire in the evening, everything will be fine, waking up strong in the morning, walking in straight lines:" -SilverChair

Cant Fuckin Believe it



I think i got a bit angry or something...errr...ummmm..... :S

Hehehe, to tell the truth i burnt the chicken. that i planned to make perfectly, now i know i have heard horror stories about women who made something there first time and they fucked up and lots of smoke poured out, well, that indeed was the case.

And of course, there was lots of acting smug and well, i told you soooos and this and that *vomits in barf bag* and i kept thinking, "damn, get the @#$% out" it wasnt the fact that i burnt stupid 2.99 chicken thighs its that i should be fucking up making dinner with someone who does the same, is learning at the same pace, this isnt the case of course with this situation. one person miles ahead, the other just starting her life. Wow. I shake my head at how rash, how confused i was. I wish i could warn another person.

I burnt the chicken! Tons of smoke pourrrred out of the oven, you would think there was a giant doobie in there!!! But no, it was just "chicken fat sizzling because it was cooked so high!" as he so aptly put it!

I dont think he knows anything about women, no, i know he doesnt.

I feel a bit better now, i love the music i downloaded of linkin park and jay-z

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are balanced, peaceful, and sincere.
You're the type of person who goes along to get along.
And you're definitely afraid of rocking the boat.

Underneath it all, you fear your world falling apart.
You'll put up with a situation that you don't like in fear of changing it.
Disruptive and forceful people intimidate you - and sometimes exploit you.

Day in a life

Each day is a challenge, is a series of events leading up to death, and that i think will be far more exciting than life ever could be. Sometimes full of treasures, sometimes full of pain, but i still havent found what im looking for *sings to U2 song*

I could never imagine that my life would take road, i remember what my mother said that it seldom ends up like you expect, but it is still worthwhile and ends up ok. And i guess she is right, because it didnt end up what i expect did it?

I can hardly remember the past, can hardly string some things together, but what i mean is the faces. I cant think of peoples faces. Some are blurred, the bitter pain of forgetting some that you loved so long ago.

And then i wonder, what if things ended up different? there is no fate, if we make our own choices, not by the hands of the Gods, but by our own devices, so it is up to me to change what might be, what might not. I can change my future, break out of the mold that never fit me.

Seldom did i worry about the people i love, i still dont really worry that much, but there are some times when i have tenderness, love and feeling to others, but it is so awkward. I never communicate the way that i want to, the way that i feel is right. Emotion.

Everything written in eyes, in movement, the things that dont have to be ever said. A look, a voice, a feeling from the heart that echos from the person like a visible shield. 

I remember a night long ago, a night that i will remember bits and pieces of for the rest of my life. I wrote in a journal that had been covered with the material from a pair of my own jeans, and i wrote in marker all over the fabric. I wrote inside poems about someone that meant so much to me it hurt, i could predict before it happened that he was going to leave me, not that he was ever with me...but i knew he would leave my life.
He was simple, not too kind, he was religious....Now i am not saying i am not a "woman of religion" but he was a mormon, and even then my beliefs were different than his. He was almost so sweet sometimes he was angelic, but there was a part of me that wondered about him, that thought he might have a darker side, as we all do.
I never got to know a lot about him, but i did get to tell him how i felt. That i loved the look, the beauty, and the blue of his eyes, his body, his features, and his very person and soul! A first love is a powerful powerful thing and the feelings i had for him were, well, dramatic. When i saw his picure on facebook, and i now know that he is alive and well, i was so happy. Not happy he is now married, but i am happy he is alivel. A bit too happy. I wanted to see him and talk to him and meet up with him again.